For those who know me I appear positive, energetic and healthy. But the secret is that every morning I wake up with a terror deep in my soul— I need to face another day with depression. To admit to being a priest and a human person with depression is not easy. Friendships change, people look at you differently and many people want to ignore the subject.

I have suffered with depression for the last twenty years. I do my work, I celebrate the sacraments, and I preach and teach. Each day I pray and make myself present to the people I am called to serve in my parish. I have put others before myself over and over again. However, with depression the body and spirit become infected. There are the self-doubts, the darkness of loneliness, and the sleepless nights. During the day there is the need to keep the mask of pain hidden.

I love life, people and what I do. As a priest I struggle with the declining numbers of priests, the more demands placed on healthy priests, and the polarization of people. As one who grew up in the light of Vatican II and sees the many gifts of the laity I struggle with those who desire to push us back into the past. As a person who suffers with depression one learns about liberation and personally feels the pain of restrictions and unrealistic expectations.

In the parish I am presently assigned (St. Mary’s, Waverly, Iowa in the Diocese of Dubuque) I live separate from the work place. This has been a life-saver. I can separate work from my personal life. I share responsibilities with people on pastoral team and parishioners. I no longer see myself as a lone-ranger. I set priorities in my time and talent. I don’t attend every retreat, parish meeting or meet with every parishioner. I take a realistic view of church and parish. It will survive in spite of me and not solely because of me.

With the help of medication I sleep well and my emotions are more balanced. I visit a counselor and check in with my doctor. I admit to others that I suffer this disease. I ask everyone who believes they suffer from depression to check with their doctor. Don’t let people say “it’s the weather” or “you will get over it.”

What have I learned from my depression? I am weak and vulnerable. I possess human qualities that have me fly with eagle’s wings but also qualities that root me in the sufferings of others. I know the discrimination that comes with misunderstanding and stereotyping. I also experience the wonder of unconditional love and acceptance.

Yes, each morning I need to face the terror of my soul. However each day I experience the redemption of God’s love and mercy. It’s not by working to be perfect that I find peace and happiness; it is in saying I am human—limited but graced. Will the depression go away? I have no idea, but right now, like many others, I live for each moment. I don’t run from or deny the terror; I embrace it with all that physical sciences offer me and with the true spiritual gifts of the Church.

Rev. Mike Tauke is pastor of St. Mary’s Parish in Waverly, Iowa. He was lauded in the “Applauding Our Pastors” feature in Today’s Parish Minister (January 2006).